Ce N'est Pas Toi.

Ce n'est pas toi.
Ce n'a jamais été toi.
[It is not you.
It was never you.]

A reflection.

Ever since the beginning of this - whatever this was, or is - I never would have thought that this would have such significance over my life, who I was to become, who I have become, and who I am. I am neither bitter, angry, nor upset. I was, but no longer.

At last, I am ready for something new to begin. Your chapter in my life has not necessarily ended yet (and I know that every now and then, the reminiscence and thought of you-at-a-certain-point-in-my-life will come back and haunt me.) I have spent way too much time letting go, or actually, holding onto something that was never there. Everything was simply a very vivid daydream, a figment of my very own imagination.

[I was never in love with you, but rather my reflection off of you.]

I went out today for some ice cream, and I saw a couple walking in the place, they looked happy. One person opened the door for the other, and they exchanged the sweetest eye contact[and I could tell that their eyes had indeed, spoken to each other more than words could ever express.] They shared an unspoken bond, a pre-established connection, (one that you and I can, or will, never be able to have.) That was what I wanted, and that was the moment I realized that you can never give me that, nor would you ever be able to, that I don't want any of you passed the surface [shallow of me, i know.] and that was also when the thought-of-you-with-someone-else stopped bothering me.

But don't get me wrong. I am lucky to have you as a friend, and there were times when I wanted to be more than just friends [those were the times at which I let the fear of loneliness and the desire of having someone there for me completely took over everything inside me.] I envy the great person that you are, the potential that you have, and the way good things always happen to you. [Jealousy is an ugly, ugly thing, is it not? Shame on me.]

You probably will not ever read this, but I just want to say [or write] it out.. I love you kid. It's not that I am in love with you, because I am not. But just simple love, from one person to the other. [And when you love someone, you care, sometimes to the craziest degree.] I don't think I've ever cared about someone, outside of family, as much as I have, and do, about you. It is what it is, and I am not afraid to admit that, because as you have once told me "understanding where we are today is the first step in determining where we want and need to go." I am not sure if, in time, I will still care about you as much as I do today, but for whatever it's worth.. We have fun together, or at least I do, and as friends, of course.

I know not what the future will bring, but what I do know, is that, as every day goes by, I will try my best to take back, little by little - until there is none left - the power that I have given you over my thoughts and emotions. Rome wasn't build in a day, was it?

Did he do it to himself, or was it done to him?
- He did it to himself, and he did not regret it. Not for a sec.

Pas du tout.

Bien que mon amour soit fou,
Ma raison calme les trop vives douleurs de mon coeur en lui
disant de patienier et d'espérer toujours...

What if?

They said, "if you fall asleep in the snow, you won't feel death coming.."
Is that really true?

( And how can you fall asleep, when every time you close your eyes, all you can see is that skinny figure, that little face, and those sparkling eyes... sometimes, even those scrumptious lips. The images become vivid, so vivid as if that person was right in front of you, so close, but just far enough so that your reach would not touch. -- well, if you don't fall asleep, the cold will eventually put you out. Right? - Wrong. Death will come and snatch away the life out of you. Not only will you feel death coming, you will be wide awake, and watching.)

I've tried so hard to let it go, but something always pulls me back, telling me that there is hope. Many times I've decided to be done with you, but I could not.

Sometimes I feel like I am that one guy in the movies who always finishes second, no matter how hard he tries.

Is it because I'm not good enough for you?
(and don't ask me why I keep chasing pavements)

I don't get it. I don't. Why do you always get what you want and I don't? Why is it that every time you come around, you win me over? Why is letting go of you so difficult, even though it shouldn't be? Why do I keep letting you have complete power over my emotions? and why can't I move on from this?

Do you know how much I hate myself when my heart beats a little faster when I am around you? or when I find myself looking for the sight of your car in the parking lot every where I go, or when I get that suffocating feeling at the thought of you with someone else. I hate myself for it.

Has it ever occurred to you that you're hurting me? Have you ever noticed the look in my eyes every time you don't reply to my text messages? [you d-mb f-ck], do you know how much I care about you, even though I shouldn't at all?

I am not walking away because I don't want to be like all the others who have already given up on you. Do you know how hard it is for me to keep pushing myself to not give up? I guess you don't.

If you think I still want to be with you, you're wrong. You are nothing like what I imagined my significant other to be. You are unfaithful, promiscuous, and selfish.

[I guess we both need to fall out of love with yourself.] right.

What if there was no light at the end of the tunnel?
- It certainly would not have been a problem had you not believed that there was light there in the first place.

I am not alright.
Because I still believe that there is, indeed, some light, even just a spark, at the end of the tunnel,
while in reality, there isn't.

[I am still in repair]

Có lẽ một chút gì đó trong ta chết đi..

Ngày lạnh.
Thấy trong ta có một cái gì đó thật giả tạo. Không thật, nhưng đau. Nhìn trong đám đông, có một vầng sáng; bừng lên, rồi lại vụt tắt -- một cái gì đó trong ta chết đi.

Phải tập cho bản thân lấy lại niềm tin vào tình yêu. Và, phải học lại cách thở. Có lẽ từ lâu rồi đã quen dần với cái cảm giác nghẹn đắng và khó thở, khi dường như lúc nào cũng như vậy.

Không có gì là mãi mãi -- tình yêu và sự đau đớn; phải, không có gì là mãi mãi. Một khi ta nhận ra rằng ta cũng là họ, và họ cũng là ta, mọi thứ dường như trở nên dễ dàng hơn, ngàn lần dễ dàng hơn.

[ "dù hạnh phúc hay khổ đau, thì cuộc tình ấy cũng là một phần máu thịt của bạn rồi" -- thử hỏi nên chọn cái nào, tàn tật để quên đi cuộc tình ấy, hay chấp nhận nó chung với nỗi đau? ]

Có lẽ mình hơi dễ dãi với bản thân. Ngã xuống, do mình đi không vững, hay là do bị ai đó vấp? (Dù sao đi nữa, thì cũng đã ngã rồi, phải không?)

[Người ta nói, khi ngủ gật đi trong tuyết trắng, cũng có nghĩa là mình sẽ không còn cảm thấy cái chết đến gần nữa... Phải vậy không? ] Được không, khi nhắm mắt lại, đôi mắt ấy, khuôn mặt ấy, hình hài ấy, và cả đôi môi ấy, lại hiện ra rõ mồn một. Chắc đến một chừng mực nào đấy, không ngủ đi được, thì cái lạnh sẽ làm ta ngất đi. Chắc vậy.

- Họ là những con người đến từ hôm qua, và không bao giờ ở lại hôm nay. Có lẽ ta sẽ nhìn được hình hài họ trong ngày mai, nhưng không bao giờ hôm nay.

Tự hỏi tại sao ta lại luôn bị cuốn hút vào những người vốn, và sẽ không bao giờ, hợp cho mình? - Tại vì trong ta luôn nuôi nấng một hy vọng, hy vọng rằng mình đã sai, rằng họ là đúng cho mình. Khi họ làm điều gì đó chứng tỏ họ không chung một con đường với ta, ta hay làm ngơ đi. Và khi họ quay lại làm ta ngạc nhiên, họ thắng tất cả trong ta. Và chính ta, lúc ấy, đã thua cuộc tranh luận với bản thân -- rằng họ không phải là nửa kia.

[ "Thật sự, nếu hạnh phúc đến quá dễ dàng, liệu con người ta có còn cảm thấy hạnh phúc không..?" ]

Có lẽ một chút gì đó trong ta chết đi. Không hẳn là bản thân đang chìm trong tuyệt vọng; cũng chẳng phải muốn đầu hàng. Vẫn còn tin vào ngày mai, và sẽ đi tiếp, bởi vì ta phải ở đó để xem câu chuyện của mình sẽ kết thúc như thế nào.

Vì dù sao đi nữa, cái quan trọng nhất không phải là cách ta bắt đầu, mà là cách mình kết thúc.

broke

I am done trying.

I don't get to repair what you broke.

And since it's already broken, there's no point hurting myself trying to put the pieces back together.

Super glue and duck tape don't always work.