And so it is.

"And maybe a happy ending,
maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, text messages, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment, you never gave up hope."

Kí ức

J đến bên đời thật nhẹ. Và J cũng ra đi thật nhẹ. Nhưng những thứ J để lại, không có gì là nhẹ nhàng cả. Nhiều lúc T tự hỏi mình đã làm cái gì sai, để nhưng khoảng khắc đẹp nhất mà hai đứa có chỉ tồn tại trong thoáng giây, và rồi tan biến như thể chúng chưa bao giờ xảy ra.

Nhiều lúc T mong những khoảng khắc ấy được dài hơn một chút, sâu hơn một chút, và rồi khi mơ ước như vậy, T lại tự gửi bản thân vào vùng sau kí ức. Kí ức, nơi T có thể tìm cho mình một chút ấm áp nào đó, và cũng đồng thời là nơi cho T những khoảng khắc đau đớn nhất.

T biết, chuyện xảy ra không phải lỗi của ai cả, không phải T, cũng không phải J, chỉ là số phận? Đôi khi T thật sự muốn mình quay trở về như ngày xưa, khi mình mới gặp nhau, quen nhau, khi tụi mình còn là bạn bè. Đôi lúc T không biết mình đúng hay sai khi đã đánh chấp cái tình bạn đó để đổi lấy một vài khoảng khắc ấm áp, để rồi J lại ra đi, và để rồi chúng mình không thể quay lại ngày xưa nữa.

T đã nói là không cho phép bản thân mình buồn về J nữa rồi, nhưng hôm nay, T chợt về thăm lại kí ức ngày xưa, và một chút gì đó trong T lại nhói lên.

Tại sao một kí ức đẹp đến vậy lại có thể đau đớn đến như thế?

To the one who should have loved me,

... from the one you could've had.

11:00PM

I was cursing your name feeling like you manipulated me. I've never felt so angry in my life. I screamed. I hated everything and everyone. I was furious at how life is so unfair. You know where my weakness is, and you pushed it, so that you can turn things back on me, so that you can make me feel guilty for being right. I actually, for once, thought that you were good, that you actually have feelings. But you don't.
You're not sorry.

11:49PM

I cried myself to sleep. I've never cried so much in the past five years. It wasn't my intention to let you have so much power over my emotions, nor was it to allow myself to trust you (just so that you can let me down.)

Looking so innocent, I might believe you if i didn't know. Could've loved you all my life, if you hadn't let me waited in the cold. You have your share of secrets, and i'm tired of being the last one to know. And now you're asking me to listen, cause it's worked each time before.

04:34AM

I saw you in my dream tonight, again. I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. I cried again, I cursed your name, again. The stinging pain I once felt came back and hit me, a thousand times harder. I couldn't breath. Tears were streaming down as if they had never before.
Then i laughed. I realized what a fool I was for believing in people, for believing that the world is a good place and people actually care about one another. No, all I've had is myself, and that is all I'm ever going to have. Somehow i bought into the delusion that there is such thing as love, that i don't have to be alone. I cried again, and then passed out.

08:17AM

The early sun woke me up. I suddenly felt nothing at all. The days of being a hopeless romantic and a dreamer were over. It was time for me to grow up. I had to grow up, I had to be realistic, I had to stop myself from getting hurt all over again. Fear has won.
Just then, like a splash of ice-cold water, the pain hit again. It was the last time I was to allow myself to feel it. I cried; and it was the last time i let myself cried over you.

8:47AM

You are nothing to me now. No one is anything to me now. All I have is myself, thanks to you, i've learned. Everything I've believed in my whole life, does nothing except letting me down. I've had my share of living outside myself, of getting hurt, of having people telling me they love me, and then shoot me down. Maybe it is, after all, better to turn away from the best, so that i won't have to face the worst.
Feelings are, after all, better kept private.
Time to put on a fake smile and greet the world - hello, new day.

I take a step back, let you go. Told you i'm not bulletproof, now you know.